Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in Aardvark of Fnord's InsaneJournal:

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
8:50 am	Aardvark self-hatred So, I live in the Cambridge area. All my friends here are either Cam ungrads, postrgrads, or even multi-docs. I have a Desmond from Birmingham. Massive academic and intellectual inferiority complex. Got a rejection last night, which really fed into this. Apparently me writing safety-critical code for over 15 years is not sufficiant. I am not strong enough academically. You cannot imagine how much this fed my complex. Self hatred and regrets to the max. Not a happy aardvark. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
12:32 am	Call me Shirley So, I was joking on IRC, and I created a mental construct. -- Cut Here -- Think spinning sharpened blades, blunt objects, twirly things, all held by a 9 year old girl with a manic gleam in her eye. -- Cut Here -- She is now a psycho-chibi morphing headperson. Cute and pyschotic This may not be all bad - I need to be a bit more agressive, I just she doesn't piss off the others too much. However, Lucy seems to be really taking to her. Connell is running scared. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 6th, 2009
8:21 am	This is the really real world Miranda Sex Garden's "Fairytale of Slavery": How long have you been lost down here? How did you come to loose your way? When did you realise that you'd never be free? My profession has trapped me. I have lost my way. I can never be free. I say, jokingly, that I am a "professional pessimist". Like any good joke, there is an element of truth there. I am tired of this responsibility. I am tired of peoples' lives depending on me. Current Mood: sad (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 1st, 2009
9:48 pm	Not suicide, but one step removed I am having fantasies of fatal cancers, heart attacks, other things. Diseases that enable me to die, but not suicide. I love my friends. I deeply love B., I adore Sapphire. But my pain is deep. How many people do you know, who pray for cancer, rather than life? Current Mood: tired (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 21st, 2009
6:24 am	Spoons Today, I have no spoons, Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 17th, 2009
2:57 pm	Fugu for the mind I remember reading a haiku in an article about fugu in the National Geographic, many years ago. It went a little like this: They say you have not lived Until you have eaten fugu But I want to live [Of course, the syllables don't match] I am reminded of this because of my current situation. I wish it were that binary for me. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 8th, 2009
9:27 am	General mumble So, had a very nice dinner, chats and flim watching with friends last night, but today I have a really, really bad mental health day. I've got a list of CAT practionioners from the consultant, but two of them are way out in the sticks with no public transport access, and the third has yet to reply. Not happy. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 27th, 2008
5:57 pm	Sorry about the delay I've only recently gathered enough spoons to post an update. So, I went to Cardiff to see my (was ex-, now re-) boyfriend. Coming back I had a complete headcrash. Anyway, decided that waiting for the NHS was not a good thing, and invoked BUPA. Weirdly, the consultant couldn't do this, so GP appointment had to be made, to make BUPA consultant referral. This involved many phone calls, and a couple of letters and faxen. Anyway, upshot is that consultant was actually one of the better ones I have seen, and has referred me not to CBT, but something called Cognitive Analytic Therapy. Apparently, the guy who created it was also a computer programmer, and uses some of that language. When the consultant described it, I said "Hmmm, sounds like an object-oriented talking therapy", to which he said "Yeah, he actually uses that phrase.". This amused me more than it should. Anyway, I'm awaiting a list of practioners, because there aren't that many who do it. Christmas has been the best for years, but I am feeling a bit low now. It has been a Herculean effort to keep myself together for all those around me, so they can have a good time. What's that quote from Labyrinth again? "I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me." Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Cream "Spoonful" (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 4th, 2008
1:42 pm	Appointment So, I had my appointment with the consultant, and it pretty much went how I expected and feared. There was a huge pressure to accept medication again (which I refuse to do - I've had too many problems with chemical therapy). The only alternative therapy he is willing to consider at the moment is CBT. I have already been told by one of the top CBT practioners in the country that my type of depression in untreatable with CBT. Anyway, I have to go through the motions of CBT again, before he will even consider other forms of therapy. Even though he admited that hypnotherapy could help in the short term. I am stressed, depressed and totally bummed. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Current Mood: distressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008
1:18 pm	Annoyance OK, this is the article that prompted me to do the split: Suicide 'shouldn't involve medics'. All very well and good to start with. What has me annoyed is that the doctor writing that column talks about giving treatment for depression to people who feel suicidal. Alas, my experience of treatment of depression in the UK is one of three things: Medicate and shut-up Hospitalise CBT - if you are really lucky Nice sentiment Dr. Jeffrey. Pity the UK doesn't deliver. Current Mood: peeved (Comment on this)
1:05 pm	Starting OK, this is my blog for my mental health stuff (my progress, plus assorted news I feel relevant). (2 Comments |Comment on this)